I’m not going to get into a theological discussion here. I’m not going to compare and contrast every Bible verse I can find and try to discern the Spirit to interpret meaning. That’s another post. Another day.
For now, suffice it to say that lately I’ve been feeling some despair.
I have endless personal experience with God’s answer to my prayers. I even have countless examples of God answering prayers I didn’t even know I had prayed. Intellectually I know that He has a plan for me, one filled with great things. I know that He never wavers. I know that He is constant.
But I still despair.
I haven’t prayed sincerely in weeks. Outside of Sunday I haven’t spent any quality time with God.
I’ve finally narrowed it down to trust issues. Though I have every assurance that my God is big, that He works for my good, and that He HAS worked for my good, I still fear to pray because I’m afraid to hope. The despair in me is afraid to hope for something better in the case that it won’t come to fruition.
A few weeks ago during the sermon, Pastor T said that despair is a sin. The lack of hope in God’s desire to answer our prayers is a lack of faith in God’s ability. God is the creator of the universe and our doubt in Him is a sin.
I know this. In my head I know that I am wrong. And deep in my heart I know it too.
But I can’t get past the fear hidden deep in my heart that tells me otherwise.
I know it’s foolish, but there it is. Being a Christian is not all sunshine and roses.
Joyce Meyer, in her unerring ability to call us on our BS, once again hits my nail of despair on the head.
I’ve been in the midst of despair for far too long. I’ve allowed my faith to flounder and my trust in Him to weaken. So moving forward I’m going to take Joyce’s advice to heart. Each day at least once per day I will consciously make an effort to find one thing in my life to be thankful for. I will find one thing that reminds me that God is moving in my life. I will find assurance that God wants good things for my life.
And maybe, after days or weeks or months, I will get rid of the fear in my heart. I will learn to hope again.
And, like Joyce said, I will start asking God to use where I’m at for my good and the good of the kingdom.